King Kong

(2005, Peter Jackson)

A movie producer seeking an exotic island location discovers and captures a large ape which, when shipped to New York, escapes and has to be shot. Despite having a plot so pitifully thin, Jackson’s film spans no less than three mind-numbing hours of the viewer’s life. How is this unlikely feat achieved? Fight scenes: a ship’s crew fight tribespeople; the ape fights dinosaurs; dinosaurs fight each other; the ape fights the ship’s crew; the ship’s crew fight giant insects; the ape fights giant bats; the ship’s crew fight the ape (again); the ape fights the US military. All of which risible pointlessness is produced via extensive use of CGI—which, of course, means that hardly any of the objects on screen appear to be obeying the laws of physics. (In the old days of movie special effects, huge falling rocks were made from polystyrene. The problem was, they looked like they were made from polystyrene. Nowadays, huge falling rocks are made from computer graphics. The problem is, they look like they are made from polystyrene.) Kids will probably love it, and Empire readers will probably already own it in the form of some overpriced multi-disc ‘collector’s edition’ DVD package to be viewed on one of those vast plasma TVs which I can only assume are sold with free self-hypnosis kits (how else do people convince themselves the picture’s not shit?) Jack Black is wasted. Jackson should be ashamed of himself.

King Kong @ IMDb (UK)